Ugh.

I don’t think anyone understands what I’m looking for in terms of my main character Jessalyn. She’s the type of character who is introverted, anxious and afraid to show her true colors to those around her. Maybe I should start thinking more about the quirks she hides the most though. That might be a good enough start there, don’t you think? I also forgot to mention too that she’s autistic.

Anyway, we had a lot to do today. My dad finally got his pension check as well, so we did a few shopping things. I got a cute sloth with bunny ears, and I named him Flash after the sloth from Zootopia! I also got a bunch of coloring books from the dollar store as well, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to color in all of them. >< I also can’t wait until I can get my laptop squared away either. I don’t like using my dad’s desktop to work. x____x

So…

I ended up not going to the ren fair today. I just didn’t want to deal with the mental exhaustion that comes with it. I don’t see why I have to go each day, especially when all my mom and I do is see the same joust everyday. I love supporting Max and everything as well, but well… read what I explained in my previous entry. I just hope he’s not upset with me for not going today.

I think one reason I didn’t go was to see what Max would do though. Because as I said, he hasn’t been treating me like I’m special. It makes me really sad, but I guess it’s just kind of natural. I don’t know. I mean, I adore him to pieces because he’s a really nice guy… it’s just that it makes me wonder if I’m just annoying him now. Maybe that’s why I’m not special to him anymore.

Keep in mind that I get paranoid a lot because of my anxiety too. I’m probably just getting too worked up. *shrug* Anyway, I FINALLY FOUND BOOK ONE OF MY KINGDOM KEEPERS SERIES THOUGH!!! My mom found the missing book three on a bookshelf that I had random shit on or something. I didn’t even see it there, but then I must not have been looking very hard either.

I really want to do some writing though. I should be reading my book, but I can’t find a place to do it where I’m not going to be distracted. Plus, I don’t like to go to new places because of routine and sameness. No matter where I seem to go, I’ll probably run into heavy distractions. It’s the joy of having ADHD, amirite? lol

Meh.

Yesterday was a rather interesting day at the Renaissance festival. I have to admit that it does take a lot of me as well, but it’s usually mentally. I have a hard time staying the entire day. I get overwhelmed by the amount of people, and it’s hard to find quite places to relax and what not because of the noise. Plus, there’s also the excitement of the joust and seeing Max, our favorite knight. I may not go tomorrow because I feel so sore and worn out.

Also, just as it was ending. Some lady got into this huge scuffle with my mom. I noticed it and began panicking heavily. This caused me to fall to the ground and hit a water bottle repeatedly beside me in a fit of rage and anxiety. The lady then says some shit and goes as far as calling me a crybaby. It really made things even worse. Luckily, one of the safety service guys who really likes me came over and calmed me down.

I’m not going because of her though. I just can’t handle what I discussed in the first paragraph. It just exhausts me mentally more than anything, you know? I just hope Max isn’t too upset about me not going tomorrow. He was last year when I decided not to go. The thing is, I have sort of mixed feelings because he hasn’t really been that into me. I know he has a lot of fans and stuff… but it’s harder on me because I always felt special. Now, I just feel like I’m just like all his other fans. So yeah.